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Saturday, December 5, 2009

Slow Down

I got up this morning with only one thought on my mind "slow down".  I spend my days trying to catch up on a tons of things that I want to accomplish, only to find that other things get ignored and I end up having to add that to my list.  I basically had to convince myself to give up.  Why bother I asked myself.  The house is never clean.  There is always something that just does not get finished, and the wonderful sensation and feeling I have when the house is clean, just will not exist anymore.  I have kids now.  A sudden saddness overcame me, because I felt like my life as I knew it was over.  I am no longer the happy wife, or the fun coworker, no I am mom.  The happy moments are few and far between.
Being mom is not my favorite thing.  I dont like eating at Burger King, or sitting at the park, until my feet freeze.  I dont want to spend endless hours playing on the floor with them.  I mean, I would love to, but I hate it.  Entertaining the children is my least favorite chore.  Notice how I write chore.  I wish I was different, but I am not.  Why I had children is beyond me.  These two deserve something different, and yes something better.  I am tired all the time, and to be honest, the children just wear me out.  I am tired of yelling at them all the time.  I dont want to clean their rooms anymore.  I dont want to cook for them.  I dont want to bathe them.  I am tired.  I am tired of motherhood.  I wish it would just go away.  I want to exercise, take care of myself.  I want to read, listen to music, and sit on my couch.  I dont remember what that is like anymore.  When I sit, the kids are sitting on me.  Of course, that is only if I find enough room.  I sit on the floor now.  I want my life back.  No children, just two dogs that love me and everything I do for them. 

yes, I am tired and full of remorse.  This should not be I say, and yet it is.  Time to call a maid service.  Maybe it is time I take myself out to dinner.

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