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Monday, November 30, 2009

Exhausted mother ranting


WOW, is all I can say.  I really conquered alot today.  I am amazed at how much I like myself when I am not surrounded by my kids.  My creative juices just come flowing out of every pore, and I am happy.  Being couped up with both of these toddlers all week, almost drove me nuts.  There were some great moments, but lots of tense, anxious, and crazy ones too. 

This morning I managed to get out of bed when the alarm clock rang, even though it was past 1am before I got to bed.  I had a good excuse, which I may get into later.  I sent Nicolas off with his lunch and breakfast in his belly, and could barely wait for Olivia to get up in the hopes that I could get her in daycare nice and early.  Yes, I cannot hide it, I wanted a day all to myself.  I had stayed up last night and made a list of everything important I had to do.  Why the list?  Easy, because when I am with the kids, only half of my brain is awake.  It is no joke, I think the other half is sleeping knowing that it will have to rescue me at some point during the day.  I told my sister that I am so fatigued when I am around the children.  I forget my wallet, my keys, where I am going, and what I am doing all the time.  The moment I am without the kids, it is as if the fog has lifted, and I "zip, zip, zip" through the house, as if I was 20 again.  This is why I was up until 1am.  I finally found myself alone, comfortable, thinking creatively, and decided that I needed to rearrange my living room furniture to make the Christmas tree look great.  I had no idea how fast time had flown by, and when I looked at the clock I did not feel tired at all.  Funny that I never feel that way at 4 o'clock in the afternoon with both kids.  I want to do so much with them, but all I ever feel is utter exhaustion.  It almost feels like I am clausterphobic (no idea whether I spelled that correctly).  The voices, the screaming, the crying, the whining.........oh why did I have children?  I really should not say that, but that is how I feel more often than I care to remember.  Thank goodness things have gotten so much easier with Nicolas, but Olivia is a whole other story.  Her high pitched scream, her constant tantrums, the whining, and her refusal to accept any rules, or a "No!" goes beyond my strength and beyond my logical mental devices or patience.

I had her home for two hours tonight, and for two hours she cried, threw numerous tantrums, and managed to destroy two rooms.  Where she gets her tone, or her sassiness just scares me.  She is a smart cookie, and I made her go to her room.  I tried talking to her.  I tried hugging her.  I tried yelling at her.   Finally, I fed her and put her to bed.   Needless to say, I feel exhausted.  Oh I hate these stages.  

So, I know I need to go to bed.  I know I am tired, but I wanted to take a moment and get it all out of my system.  I won't let this anger eat at me.  She is my baby, and I love her.  I just need to find another way to make her calm down and be happy.  Soon she will be happy.  Soon Daddy will be home, and she will smile again.  Soon we will both be happy, and we will both be smiling.

This is the top I finished today.  I am smiling, because it has taken me three days to finish this.  That is funny.  No it is not.  I want to cry.  My life is like gone!!!!!  BooHoo.  I made it with the Baby Essentials pattern.  It is a size 6-9 months, with added length to the front and sleeves. 
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